However, in the past 2 years I have begun to worry about every little thing, including, but not limited to; going out into public, people looking at me, if I'm making my husband happy, if my daughter is getting everything she needs, my health (that's another story unto itself) and a few other oddball things that "normal" people probably have enough confidence about to keep such worries to a minimum.
Anytime I have ever talked to someone about my anxiety, which is generally someone on a post on some forum because well I am in denial that my anxiety is bad enough to see a shrink over, they always ask me "what happened to you two years ago that could have triggered this?" Meh, well, I got married, quit my job of four years and uprooted 492 miles (our first move) away from my hometown. I am not going to sit here and say "Thank god, because I lived in a shit hole town", even though my hometown is just that, but I will say that I believe it all stemmed from a very small bout of separation anxiety. I am extremely close to the women on my moms side of the family, always have been, and while i was happily living with the love of my life and my daughter there was still the empty feeling inside that my family wasn't right down the street anymore.
We are now living a whopping 2500 miles away from the nearest relative (gotta love military moves) and it definitely put a larger strain on my mental well being. My husband was deployed once for training for 2 months and then another 2 months after that he left again for a longer stint of 7 months. I use to look at significant others that would say "oh i just feel so alone when they're gone" with a form of disgust, and here I am, now wishing more than anything he was here to annoy the living daylights out of me. I'm slowly becoming the woman I never imagined I would be, of course I'm not saying I don't like how my life panned out. I love how things turned out, I just don't like the current situation, at all.
My husband is always asking if I'm happy, which hell yeah I am! Aside from all my worries, I am so completely happy that it frightens me. I also think my anxiety comes from the idea that since I am so happy, it's causing me to have an underlying fear that I'm going to "lose" my happiness. Whether it be from me pushing it away (wouldn't be the first time I've pushed out the positive things in my life), or something happening and destroying what I have, etc.
One of my biggest fears is that my daughter will soon catch on to my anxiety riddled ways, and blame her self, or begin to have her own attacks of panic. I want her to live a life of confidence, and I know that I'm one of the first she will look to for that. My husband always tells me that I am one of the strongest individuals he has known, I'm pretty good about putting on a mask around others and not letting them know i suffer so much with my own thoughts. Well, I'm sure they know now, since I'm blogging to the whole world after all >.< lol. I don't consider slapping on a mask to be a very "strong" move, if anything it makes me feel weaker.
By the way, if someone, anyone, does ever read this and has maybe some advice or has been/is a victim of anxiety and has found a way to get beyond and over it, please do share ^_^.
We are now living a whopping 2500 miles away from the nearest relative (gotta love military moves) and it definitely put a larger strain on my mental well being. My husband was deployed once for training for 2 months and then another 2 months after that he left again for a longer stint of 7 months. I use to look at significant others that would say "oh i just feel so alone when they're gone" with a form of disgust, and here I am, now wishing more than anything he was here to annoy the living daylights out of me. I'm slowly becoming the woman I never imagined I would be, of course I'm not saying I don't like how my life panned out. I love how things turned out, I just don't like the current situation, at all.
My husband is always asking if I'm happy, which hell yeah I am! Aside from all my worries, I am so completely happy that it frightens me. I also think my anxiety comes from the idea that since I am so happy, it's causing me to have an underlying fear that I'm going to "lose" my happiness. Whether it be from me pushing it away (wouldn't be the first time I've pushed out the positive things in my life), or something happening and destroying what I have, etc.
One of my biggest fears is that my daughter will soon catch on to my anxiety riddled ways, and blame her self, or begin to have her own attacks of panic. I want her to live a life of confidence, and I know that I'm one of the first she will look to for that. My husband always tells me that I am one of the strongest individuals he has known, I'm pretty good about putting on a mask around others and not letting them know i suffer so much with my own thoughts. Well, I'm sure they know now, since I'm blogging to the whole world after all >.< lol. I don't consider slapping on a mask to be a very "strong" move, if anything it makes me feel weaker.
By the way, if someone, anyone, does ever read this and has maybe some advice or has been/is a victim of anxiety and has found a way to get beyond and over it, please do share ^_^.
yet again I feel as though I have managed to write a novel and not really make any points. I'm such a terrible blogger :D. /sigh.
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